Sunday, April 12, 2015

I want to kill pigeons

DR, The Danish equivalent of PBS, turned 90 the other week, and to celebrate the anniversary, they filled a good part their programming with memorable moments in TV history. I didn't watch much, but even so I kept coming across this one clip in which a famous journalist and horticulturalist suffocated a pigeon and tore off its head with his bare hands.

All that gore served a purpose, of course. The event was followed by a spiel on the humane killing of animals, but even so, the show unleashed unprecedented fury and criticism from viewers. I too, got a little upset, but mostly it left me wondering: "Why was he teaching people to kill pigeons in the first place?"

That was last week. This week, I want to kill pigeons too. In fact, I may have hung out on chat forums to learn how to get the deed done.
Turisti (1997), by Maurizio Cattelan via Perrotin

Know how it can be kind of unpleasant to hang out with people who breathe with their mouth open, chew gum really loudly or continuously sniffle rather than blow their nose once and for all? Well people, such noises are nothing compared to the incessant cooing of a pigeon!

How do I know? First hand is how I know. I have a pair nesting in the eaves gutter outside my window, and all day, every day, from 5 am till long past midnight they sit there and make that monotonous sound, which, frankly, sounds moronic and a little like a passionless couple having sex.

I've tried shooing them away, but all to no avail. They just throw me that sideways glance that birds do, and then they get on with their cooing.

Most likely there are eggs in that gutter they call home, and a part of me thinks that this could be my one chance to actually see a baby pigeon. Heck, I could even take their chicks in, raise them as my own and teach them to emit a more compelling sound.

But honestly, with work and everything, who has the time?

I'm hoping my downstairs neighbors will 'break the egg', to use some surprisingly apt mobspeak. And I'm starting to feel kind of laid-back about whether it's done humanely or not.

P.S. If you've never heard a pigeon coo, then here's a video a guy made of his pet pigeon (By the way, who keeps a pet pigeon? who?)


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